My So-Called Life

I’m struggling. Does every blog post start out that way? Or am I just not giving myself enough credit for the mini successes that I’ve…succeeded at?

We’re hosting Mark’s family here for a housewarming get together on Sunday and all of a sudden I want the house looking perfect. So all of a sudden I’m running around the city looking for cushion covers for the basement couch, tea towels for the kitchen, light fixtures for every conceivable light in the house. And dropping off a literal trunk load of other junk at Value Village. Errands for stuff. Because I have a house and stuff, all of a sudden I’m doing errands around stuff. UGH.

My brain feels full of lists and even this small amount of shopping has made me hungry for more shopping. Is this all I complain about ever?

And having had surgery and not being able to exercise means my clothes don’t fit, and even my four year old complained about making her buy new shoes all the time. I swear shoes multiply all by themselves at night. And I don’t make her buy new shoes all the time, btw.

These are the ones that she complained about, when really she wanted them so bad she was like jumping up and down.

mirasshoes

I feel like I’m truly in search of another way of living, of another way of thinking, but when I’m tired and overwhelmed and don’t know what to think, I wonder why I can’t just buy something new and shiny to distract me from the painful thoughts of “Who am I? What do I want from life? Why am I so confused?!” Does a minimalist really have a stack of like 20 library books by her bed? And since I now have a sewing machine that works (which I got for free from a friend!) I want to start some projects, but that means spending money on fabric, on patterns, on thread, and really, do we NEED anything else? Like, do the girls need winter nighties or is that just another thing/distraction from the mediocrity of a life that revolves around STUFF?!

This is a bit of a sham blog, I’m sorry, it was a long day with the kiddos and I’m still reading and thinking and maybe you’ll get an extra blog later this week. Stuffocation has had some really interesting points about minimalism vs. experientialists and how Facebook has changed the way we think, and I’m reading one of the memoirs that Joshua Fields Millburn has written called “Everything that Remains” and there’s this really amazing passage on how he created a meaningful life for himself. But it all scares me. In light of the fact that I have spent ten million hours working on the house to make it prettier, I don’t think I’m really working towards a more meaningful life. Do you? I know it’s a smaller house, in a neighborhood that’s not quite a suburb, but I feel like I’m going in the opposite direction of a meaningful life this week. It’s a balance, I’m sure. Again, maybe I’m just not appreciating the process of discomfort and growth. I never appreciate discomfort and growth. I want to be good at life. Good at being good at something. And I’m not good at not shopping.

I have so many WANTS. So many things I keep thinking about that I could buy. But that is NOT the point of this project.

Do all blog posts end with the word, HELP!?

oi.

 

 

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