When I was in labour with Sebastian, it was the most intense pain I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. He was a week plus overdue, I was insanely sore and exhausted, and they had to induce for like 12 hours. After about six hours of oxytocin and antibiotics the contractions were ramping up and yet I was still at about 3 cm, which is about what I was at when I GOT THERE IN THE MORNING. I was so incredibly frustrated and disheartened and kept saying to my husband and my doula, “I can’t do this, I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want to, it’s too hard”. And the pain was just getting worse and worse. I spent I dunno how long, just bearing down in a squat, complaining that I just wasn’t strong enough to keep going.
And then help came from the weirdest place. I think either Mark or Eldyka said “You got this” and all of a sudden all I could hear was this song from the My Little Pony soundtrack that my daughters are addicted to. “You got this, we got this, we got this togetheeeeerrrrrrrr!” And with that song stuck in my head, I did, I got this. Everything shifted from that point and I just kept singing that inane song over and over and over and over. Even when it was still another few hours (probably) before he was finally born (at a whopping NINE POUNDS), even when his shoulder got stuck and we had to maneuver him a bit, I kept that stupid song going and thus kept telling myself I could do it. And it made allll the difference.
The last few months have been HARD. And the words in my head are not helping at ALL. I can’t do this. Why is this so fucking hard. Why am I so tired all the time. Why is this so fucking hard. Will it ever be any easier? Will I ever be strong enough to handle all three of these children? Why do they make it so difficult? Fucking hard, fucking children, how am I ever going to do this? Will I ever be a good mother? Will it ever get easier? Why is it so fucking hard?!
And believing it’s so hard and telling myself how hard it is, and how weak I am, has not helped. It hasn’t made it go by any faster. It has made me feel weaker and less able to cope. It makes me more susceptible to retail therapy because I NEED IT. Because it’s so fucking hard, that I need something to help me make it through.
And starting this journey AGAIN, the same thoughts are running through my head. It’s going to be fucking hard, how will I ever get through this?
I MIGHT pick another song other than My Little Pony…just cause I don’t think I can handle another three months of that song, but I might try something like Sia’s “Unstoppable” or something (any and all suggestions welcome) like that to give me some strength of mind. Some positive self-talk (self-sing?) might help?
Lame? How else does one get through the hard times? Tips? Tricks? Good fight songs?